today i went for pm again.
I prayed to God to give me a new word. And yah. I prayed n prayed nothing came.
SO yes we sang one of my favourite own church song.
You are the peace that guards my heart,
my help in time of need
You are the hope that leads me on and brings me to my knees.
FOr there i find you waiting, and there i find release,
and with all my heart i worship and unto u i sing,
for you alone deserves all glory,
for you alone deserves all praise.
Father we love you and adore you father we long to see ur face,
for you alone deserves all glory,
for you alone deserves all praise.
Father we love you and and we worship you this day.
yup. sigh. sob.
Anyway, it was then as i begin to worship GOd,
he began to put a word in me.
He ask me to learn to categorize my love.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
mu tou young
Hi,
I am msging mu tou again. just tat i din send the msg. or when i ever realli wanna send mu tou a msg i just blog. haiz. MU TOU!!.
I dun want to disturb him. I guess i am giving him alot of stress and yah. He has lots to managed.
I was free on tues n wed but i din do much due to lack of focus and concentration. And I was watching the 9pm show. I think Fann Wong played the role sounds so familliar.
haiz. mu tou mu tou. wei wei mu tou young.
WRU. :(
I am msging mu tou again. just tat i din send the msg. or when i ever realli wanna send mu tou a msg i just blog. haiz. MU TOU!!.
I dun want to disturb him. I guess i am giving him alot of stress and yah. He has lots to managed.
I was free on tues n wed but i din do much due to lack of focus and concentration. And I was watching the 9pm show. I think Fann Wong played the role sounds so familliar.
haiz. mu tou mu tou. wei wei mu tou young.
WRU. :(
Bie zhou
Hi there,
I din managed to wake up to go for prayer meeting this morning. Couldnt wake up. was late for work too. sigh. Woke up with a swollen eye due to the late nite tears i shed yest. I miss mu tou.
I controlled myself so hard not to call n sms mu tou cos i dun want to give him additional pressure due to his papa condition. I hope his papa op will be a success and he will recover soon.
Sigh. I guess I noe mu tou so much more yest.
Within myself, no matter how much mu tou try to push me away and no matter how hard he is or how nasty he tries to be to me intentionally or unintentionally. He is part of me. =( haiz.
Clone, slap me ba.
Within all these while, I hope wad I think abt mu tou is rite. But only time will tell. But sometimes he being hard from the moment i noe him, he indirectly shows me alot. And i guess mu tou saw alot of me. Mu tou. I trust him and I trust my judgement.
Dont go.
Mu tou, i will load this youtube song the next entry. for you. HUGS !!!
I din managed to wake up to go for prayer meeting this morning. Couldnt wake up. was late for work too. sigh. Woke up with a swollen eye due to the late nite tears i shed yest. I miss mu tou.
I controlled myself so hard not to call n sms mu tou cos i dun want to give him additional pressure due to his papa condition. I hope his papa op will be a success and he will recover soon.
Sigh. I guess I noe mu tou so much more yest.
Within myself, no matter how much mu tou try to push me away and no matter how hard he is or how nasty he tries to be to me intentionally or unintentionally. He is part of me. =( haiz.
Clone, slap me ba.
Within all these while, I hope wad I think abt mu tou is rite. But only time will tell. But sometimes he being hard from the moment i noe him, he indirectly shows me alot. And i guess mu tou saw alot of me. Mu tou. I trust him and I trust my judgement.
Dont go.
Mu tou, i will load this youtube song the next entry. for you. HUGS !!!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Dun go baby!
I have alot of things to blog but i am not in the right state to blog anything. I need to study but i cant. Mu tou says its all in the mind. seriously i cant. and i feel like i am suffering from depression because i cant eat. and watever goes in comes out. my stomach feels queasy, my heart is heavy, i have no peace. I am so upset. i lost myself.
Seriously, the things tat mu tou did is bad enuff to make me hurt myself. I am not tat strong.
Mu tou, dun go. =(
You always been a part of me.
Seriously, the things tat mu tou did is bad enuff to make me hurt myself. I am not tat strong.
Mu tou, dun go. =(
You always been a part of me.
Monday, August 11, 2008
An early tuesday morning
Hi Today is tues and I am early, because I went for prayer meetin. I pluck myself out of bed. haha.
Well, talk to mu tou yest nite. He was so not himself. in fact he was like ARGH.. yah. so not himself. I know he was breakin apart. The way he talk n reacted. And yah. i guess he wants to be left alone for now. and i guess i shld. In fact i was upset yest. cos wadever he spoke of has thorns in his words and i guess, a person who is hurt will tend to hurt others. contagious i guess. and now he has to cope with studies and work. but his piority is his family.
2 results. either he will want to spend more time with his family or maybe he is too fed up dat he wanna run away.
Today, soemthing spoke to me while i was on the way to singpost. Let him learn and grow himself. I guess to a certain extend. I guess I gotta let him rest.
Many thoughts came to me this morning unknowingly. but at such I seem to remember.
But i noe when i was praying for mu tou n family it was the spirit praying cos out of the belly came utterance. My heart was heavy. But i know God hears. He begin to impart faith into me.
I dunno. suddenly yest. I felt mu tou was at the brim. or almost. sigh. i felt helpless seriously.
Today i begin to realised something when i begin to step into heart of God church. All humans are weak and all will fall. but i realised something special abt people who has GOd in their lives. they pick up fast. 7 times you will fall but 7 times stronger you will come up. thats wad bible says.
haiz i realised something, " sorry seems to be the hardest word" for mu tou. I realised he never says dem. and I am hurt by wad he says. I mean he wanna hurt me hurt all the way lor. say like dun be his friend and from his heart he says that I let people make use of. :( like wth! I mean if you wnana say den say it all. haiz. some times i feel like crackin his head. n take out his rubbish.
I just spoke to glenn cos he is a runner. I ask him abt mu tou's pa condition. Now i noe the seriousness of it. N i cant blame him for reactin tat way. I understood the consequences of the situation. God, bring every disappointment to a new appointment!
I begin to understand. Everything was done so that you would come.
Well, talk to mu tou yest nite. He was so not himself. in fact he was like ARGH.. yah. so not himself. I know he was breakin apart. The way he talk n reacted. And yah. i guess he wants to be left alone for now. and i guess i shld. In fact i was upset yest. cos wadever he spoke of has thorns in his words and i guess, a person who is hurt will tend to hurt others. contagious i guess. and now he has to cope with studies and work. but his piority is his family.
2 results. either he will want to spend more time with his family or maybe he is too fed up dat he wanna run away.
Today, soemthing spoke to me while i was on the way to singpost. Let him learn and grow himself. I guess to a certain extend. I guess I gotta let him rest.
Many thoughts came to me this morning unknowingly. but at such I seem to remember.
But i noe when i was praying for mu tou n family it was the spirit praying cos out of the belly came utterance. My heart was heavy. But i know God hears. He begin to impart faith into me.
I dunno. suddenly yest. I felt mu tou was at the brim. or almost. sigh. i felt helpless seriously.
Today i begin to realised something when i begin to step into heart of God church. All humans are weak and all will fall. but i realised something special abt people who has GOd in their lives. they pick up fast. 7 times you will fall but 7 times stronger you will come up. thats wad bible says.
haiz i realised something, " sorry seems to be the hardest word" for mu tou. I realised he never says dem. and I am hurt by wad he says. I mean he wanna hurt me hurt all the way lor. say like dun be his friend and from his heart he says that I let people make use of. :( like wth! I mean if you wnana say den say it all. haiz. some times i feel like crackin his head. n take out his rubbish.
I just spoke to glenn cos he is a runner. I ask him abt mu tou's pa condition. Now i noe the seriousness of it. N i cant blame him for reactin tat way. I understood the consequences of the situation. God, bring every disappointment to a new appointment!
I begin to understand. Everything was done so that you would come.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
stubborness/ rebelliousness and pride
mu tou told called me at 1230. I slept le but i was glad he called back. for one moment
i tot i was dreaming. spoke to him.
He said i can be stubborn n humble at the same time. at tat pt i was like brain dead so i didnt realli reply it.
The truth is stubborness and humility can never co-exist.
Stubborn means wad?
this is from the dictionary.
1.unreasonably obstinate; obstinately unmoving: a stubborn child.
2.fixed or set in purpose or opinion; resolute: a stubborn opponent of foreign aid.
3.obstinately maintained, as a course of action: a stubborn resistance.
4.difficult to manage or suppress: a stubborn horse; a stubborn pain.
5.hard, tough, or stiff, as stone or wood; difficult to shape or work.
—Synonyms 1. contrary, intractable, refractory, unyielding, headstrong, obdurate. 2. persevering. Stubborn, dogged, obstinate, persistent imply fixity of purpose or condition and resistance to change. Stubborn and obstinate both imply resistance to advice, entreaty, remonstrance, or force; but stubborn implies more of innate quality and is the more frequently used when referring to inanimate things: stubborn disposition; stubborn difficulties. Dogged implies pertinacity and grimness in doing something, esp. in the face of discouragements: dogged determination. Persistent implies having staying or lasting qualities, resoluteness, and perseverance: persistent questioning.
stubborness and rebellious person usually thinks tat they are rite. therefore refuses to change, and if strong pride stays, even when the person noes he /she is wrong, he still insist that he/she is rite.
Stubborn pple tends to always want to win. sigh.
We all need illumination of the mind i guess. Mu tou. dun be so stubborn. lets learn k. dun reject this k. rem i told u, u gt to be open n willing.
i tot i was dreaming. spoke to him.
He said i can be stubborn n humble at the same time. at tat pt i was like brain dead so i didnt realli reply it.
The truth is stubborness and humility can never co-exist.
Stubborn means wad?
this is from the dictionary.
1.unreasonably obstinate; obstinately unmoving: a stubborn child.
2.fixed or set in purpose or opinion; resolute: a stubborn opponent of foreign aid.
3.obstinately maintained, as a course of action: a stubborn resistance.
4.difficult to manage or suppress: a stubborn horse; a stubborn pain.
5.hard, tough, or stiff, as stone or wood; difficult to shape or work.
—Synonyms 1. contrary, intractable, refractory, unyielding, headstrong, obdurate. 2. persevering. Stubborn, dogged, obstinate, persistent imply fixity of purpose or condition and resistance to change. Stubborn and obstinate both imply resistance to advice, entreaty, remonstrance, or force; but stubborn implies more of innate quality and is the more frequently used when referring to inanimate things: stubborn disposition; stubborn difficulties. Dogged implies pertinacity and grimness in doing something, esp. in the face of discouragements: dogged determination. Persistent implies having staying or lasting qualities, resoluteness, and perseverance: persistent questioning.
stubborness and rebellious person usually thinks tat they are rite. therefore refuses to change, and if strong pride stays, even when the person noes he /she is wrong, he still insist that he/she is rite.
Stubborn pple tends to always want to win. sigh.
We all need illumination of the mind i guess. Mu tou. dun be so stubborn. lets learn k. dun reject this k. rem i told u, u gt to be open n willing.
a veri long mu tou's blog.
Hihi,
Things have been flooding my mind these few days but i din managed to blog it down.
Fri went to settlers and i was early so i went to this place near settlers. yah did soemthing hopefully it will bring me good results. This shall be a mystery.
Anyway, din sleep well tat nite. i kinda waited for mu tou to reply me till abt 2. so i guess he wun call back n stuff. He got me worried. Perhaps like he said i over reacted. seriously maybe yes n no. depends on how u see it. He is the directive person while i am the analytical person. I think so much till, soemtiems i got answers n things go hay-wired.
Missed my class on thurs cos i so wanted to meet mu tou. i was controlling my emotions. He seems to like to fluatuate my emotions. High n low. sigh. I could not have any adverse reaction till the moment i enter the cab. i cover my mouth n started crying so hard. cos i did not want to make any noise. my heart shattered. Can u believe wad i hear? OMG. After so much things happen he told me nothing matters to him.
while waiting for him behind the petrol kiosk. things fluatuate my mind n overwhelm me. its not just den. it was a accumulative of thoughts. Why i cried even harder while waiting for him?
anyway. huizhen spoke to me after the games. She asked me how was I. What she told me realli make whole hell of sense!
She told me to pace myself. Even she being a cgl also must pace herself if not sure burn out. and she said thats the reason why pple left church. No more oil to burn to sustain.
She told me to do things that makes me happy at least once a week even though it can be realli out of point.
And she told me this. Direct HIT!
She said:
God has place that talent n ability in you. and I can see that i you are and you desire for great things in my life. BUt great things does not onli consist only talents and abilities to excel. It requires consistency. THe faithfulness to do things whether rain or shine, feel like it or not.
If GOd has given u the ability to influence pple den dun waste it.
She goes on to talk abt last week service msg, Grow up when you grow old. It talks abt responsibility and accountability.
It takes character to hold ur success and not just great talents and abilities.
I need to yield myself to GOd more rather den relyin on my own strength. ( my flaw la) like wad mu tou say (nu qiang zhe )
I ask her how to cure stubborness / rebelliousness and she said every one is to a certain extend.
It got to be our own decision. No one can change us except ourselves, not ur friends not even God himself. Cos he wun touch ur will. when i heard tat i was like... hmm.. tats not realli an answer but yah perhaps like wad I told mu tou. willingness.
I guess it has to do with servanthood.- humility and willingness.
Anyway, enuff of tat.
I been trying to decode wad mu tou meant n i would say the answer usually somehow will come within myself. sometimes strangely even without me thinking it jus comes. by inspiration i guess.
Now i noe why mu tou wanna walk away. as in i stand in his shoes. knowing wad kind of person I am, knowing what kind of person is he oso. and what his ah say b4. He dun wanan hurt me.
WHy, he said i was too nice. but why? he said i was a pretty gal? but why? simple. He gave me one chance but its gone. n noe he say no feel. ok see. tat time he is willing and wanted n wants to put in the effort to try den got fruits but now perhaps he tasted n he dun like it.
Perhaps I am not his cup of tea. and perhaps. he noes tat in order to make me happy as in real happiness is to love me back n he noes he cant so he chose nt to hurt me n leave. like wad his ah ma say. And mu tou said i was too complicated for him. and maybe i am too gan chiong spider for him. sigh.
TOday during service. I was veri burden. with wad mu tou told me. It came to me during service. I cried out to GOd to help mu tou. I dunno why, its in me. I seem to be able to feel mu tou ( the messiness) I dunno it came to me in a vision. the struggles / hurts / etc. ( i cant put it into words). haiz.
A vision came for myself today, prophesy and discernment. young man shall see visions and old man shall dream dreams.
ANyway i think my blog damn long. ok everyone is asking me out but i leave no room for anyone. mm.. n mu tou is not back from ah ma hse.
tml morning gotta wake up early togo for prayer meeting b4 work. I am making this effort because i want to see a miracle. for myself n mu tou n oso for mu tou pa n ma.
Use me. Lord.
Ciao.
Mu tou sa.
Things have been flooding my mind these few days but i din managed to blog it down.
Fri went to settlers and i was early so i went to this place near settlers. yah did soemthing hopefully it will bring me good results. This shall be a mystery.
Anyway, din sleep well tat nite. i kinda waited for mu tou to reply me till abt 2. so i guess he wun call back n stuff. He got me worried. Perhaps like he said i over reacted. seriously maybe yes n no. depends on how u see it. He is the directive person while i am the analytical person. I think so much till, soemtiems i got answers n things go hay-wired.
Missed my class on thurs cos i so wanted to meet mu tou. i was controlling my emotions. He seems to like to fluatuate my emotions. High n low. sigh. I could not have any adverse reaction till the moment i enter the cab. i cover my mouth n started crying so hard. cos i did not want to make any noise. my heart shattered. Can u believe wad i hear? OMG. After so much things happen he told me nothing matters to him.
while waiting for him behind the petrol kiosk. things fluatuate my mind n overwhelm me. its not just den. it was a accumulative of thoughts. Why i cried even harder while waiting for him?
anyway. huizhen spoke to me after the games. She asked me how was I. What she told me realli make whole hell of sense!
She told me to pace myself. Even she being a cgl also must pace herself if not sure burn out. and she said thats the reason why pple left church. No more oil to burn to sustain.
She told me to do things that makes me happy at least once a week even though it can be realli out of point.
And she told me this. Direct HIT!
She said:
God has place that talent n ability in you. and I can see that i you are and you desire for great things in my life. BUt great things does not onli consist only talents and abilities to excel. It requires consistency. THe faithfulness to do things whether rain or shine, feel like it or not.
If GOd has given u the ability to influence pple den dun waste it.
She goes on to talk abt last week service msg, Grow up when you grow old. It talks abt responsibility and accountability.
It takes character to hold ur success and not just great talents and abilities.
I need to yield myself to GOd more rather den relyin on my own strength. ( my flaw la) like wad mu tou say (nu qiang zhe )
I ask her how to cure stubborness / rebelliousness and she said every one is to a certain extend.
It got to be our own decision. No one can change us except ourselves, not ur friends not even God himself. Cos he wun touch ur will. when i heard tat i was like... hmm.. tats not realli an answer but yah perhaps like wad I told mu tou. willingness.
I guess it has to do with servanthood.- humility and willingness.
Anyway, enuff of tat.
I been trying to decode wad mu tou meant n i would say the answer usually somehow will come within myself. sometimes strangely even without me thinking it jus comes. by inspiration i guess.
Now i noe why mu tou wanna walk away. as in i stand in his shoes. knowing wad kind of person I am, knowing what kind of person is he oso. and what his ah say b4. He dun wanan hurt me.
WHy, he said i was too nice. but why? he said i was a pretty gal? but why? simple. He gave me one chance but its gone. n noe he say no feel. ok see. tat time he is willing and wanted n wants to put in the effort to try den got fruits but now perhaps he tasted n he dun like it.
Perhaps I am not his cup of tea. and perhaps. he noes tat in order to make me happy as in real happiness is to love me back n he noes he cant so he chose nt to hurt me n leave. like wad his ah ma say. And mu tou said i was too complicated for him. and maybe i am too gan chiong spider for him. sigh.
TOday during service. I was veri burden. with wad mu tou told me. It came to me during service. I cried out to GOd to help mu tou. I dunno why, its in me. I seem to be able to feel mu tou ( the messiness) I dunno it came to me in a vision. the struggles / hurts / etc. ( i cant put it into words). haiz.
A vision came for myself today, prophesy and discernment. young man shall see visions and old man shall dream dreams.
ANyway i think my blog damn long. ok everyone is asking me out but i leave no room for anyone. mm.. n mu tou is not back from ah ma hse.
tml morning gotta wake up early togo for prayer meeting b4 work. I am making this effort because i want to see a miracle. for myself n mu tou n oso for mu tou pa n ma.
Use me. Lord.
Ciao.
Mu tou sa.
Friday, August 8, 2008
sianology
I AM FEELING SO SO SO SO SIAN!
Its like i understand why mu tou will smoke. It feels like sianology cum tired cum moodless cum bored. and perhaps smoking is like to "entertain" self.
Going out feels sian - go where? with who?
Staying at hm is like sian do what?
Watching a show n movie is like duh
Going shopping n eating is like duh.
Just morbit. Like emily.
No water, no nutrients, no life
Ironically, I am finding pple to go out with me but the thing is no one. No. there are alot just tat i dun wanna go out with dem.
Tot of calling leonard - go for snails meetin yummi. fine dining. he has been complaining tat i veri long never meet him.
Tot of calling kane - but i better let him rest although he been asking out many times. so he called me few days back n book me at the end of the month. haha.
Tot of calling my gals - yah mm. they complained movie too late.
I dun realli feel like goin for cell. yah
mm.. I have quit singing. Mu tou did ask me continue. eh my voice nice meh. It sounds like shit man. haiz. maybe because my expectation too high ba or rather i feel i need to improve more. but thanks mu tou for the compliment. =) at least i noe if i ever got an album u will prob be the first to get it. wahha.
tried calling clone. he din answer the phone! haiz. mu tou oso not free. tml national day. yah i have dedicate the day to myself and my books n lappy. study and project belongs to me.
actualli i hope mu tou's free but yah. he is not. and its good tat mu tou has alot of family bonding.
mu tou. xin tong. yong gan. liao jie. ai ni. chong dong.
Its like i understand why mu tou will smoke. It feels like sianology cum tired cum moodless cum bored. and perhaps smoking is like to "entertain" self.
Going out feels sian - go where? with who?
Staying at hm is like sian do what?
Watching a show n movie is like duh
Going shopping n eating is like duh.
Just morbit. Like emily.
No water, no nutrients, no life
Ironically, I am finding pple to go out with me but the thing is no one. No. there are alot just tat i dun wanna go out with dem.
Tot of calling leonard - go for snails meetin yummi. fine dining. he has been complaining tat i veri long never meet him.
Tot of calling kane - but i better let him rest although he been asking out many times. so he called me few days back n book me at the end of the month. haha.
Tot of calling my gals - yah mm. they complained movie too late.
I dun realli feel like goin for cell. yah
mm.. I have quit singing. Mu tou did ask me continue. eh my voice nice meh. It sounds like shit man. haiz. maybe because my expectation too high ba or rather i feel i need to improve more. but thanks mu tou for the compliment. =) at least i noe if i ever got an album u will prob be the first to get it. wahha.
tried calling clone. he din answer the phone! haiz. mu tou oso not free. tml national day. yah i have dedicate the day to myself and my books n lappy. study and project belongs to me.
actualli i hope mu tou's free but yah. he is not. and its good tat mu tou has alot of family bonding.
mu tou. xin tong. yong gan. liao jie. ai ni. chong dong.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
its a letter F-day
Its been a while I last blogged. Recently many nice things happen. I din managed to blog it down.
Yah here i am again.
but well. the song " THERE HE GOES, THERE HE GOES AGAIN" + Zhang hui mei song
(bu yao zai wo de xiong kou sa yan). Moodless la.
So I can only walk with him this far? or wad? If I have a choice. Please bang me now. I am at the peak and there I fall again to the ends of the valley. Its like WTF! but seriously. Keep me walking in this dream pls.
Yah the flowers din meant a single shit. The cookies and stuff flew us by. yah so wads left? My life? Wrong. I dun even have anything left. Take it if u want man.
=( ................................................................................................ STOP IT!
Yah here i am again.
but well. the song " THERE HE GOES, THERE HE GOES AGAIN" + Zhang hui mei song
(bu yao zai wo de xiong kou sa yan). Moodless la.
So I can only walk with him this far? or wad? If I have a choice. Please bang me now. I am at the peak and there I fall again to the ends of the valley. Its like WTF! but seriously. Keep me walking in this dream pls.
Yah the flowers din meant a single shit. The cookies and stuff flew us by. yah so wads left? My life? Wrong. I dun even have anything left. Take it if u want man.
=( ................................................................................................ STOP IT!
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