a veri long mu tou's blog.

Hihi,

Things have been flooding my mind these few days but i din managed to blog it down.
Fri went to settlers and i was early so i went to this place near settlers. yah did soemthing hopefully it will bring me good results. This shall be a mystery.

Anyway, din sleep well tat nite. i kinda waited for mu tou to reply me till abt 2. so i guess he wun call back n stuff. He got me worried. Perhaps like he said i over reacted. seriously maybe yes n no. depends on how u see it. He is the directive person while i am the analytical person. I think so much till, soemtiems i got answers n things go hay-wired.

Missed my class on thurs cos i so wanted to meet mu tou. i was controlling my emotions. He seems to like to fluatuate my emotions. High n low. sigh. I could not have any adverse reaction till the moment i enter the cab. i cover my mouth n started crying so hard. cos i did not want to make any noise. my heart shattered. Can u believe wad i hear? OMG. After so much things happen he told me nothing matters to him.
while waiting for him behind the petrol kiosk. things fluatuate my mind n overwhelm me. its not just den. it was a accumulative of thoughts. Why i cried even harder while waiting for him?

anyway. huizhen spoke to me after the games. She asked me how was I. What she told me realli make whole hell of sense!

She told me to pace myself. Even she being a cgl also must pace herself if not sure burn out. and she said thats the reason why pple left church. No more oil to burn to sustain.
She told me to do things that makes me happy at least once a week even though it can be realli out of point.

And she told me this. Direct HIT!
She said:
God has place that talent n ability in you. and I can see that i you are and you desire for great things in my life. BUt great things does not onli consist only talents and abilities to excel. It requires consistency. THe faithfulness to do things whether rain or shine, feel like it or not.
If GOd has given u the ability to influence pple den dun waste it.

She goes on to talk abt last week service msg, Grow up when you grow old. It talks abt responsibility and accountability.

It takes character to hold ur success and not just great talents and abilities.

I need to yield myself to GOd more rather den relyin on my own strength. ( my flaw la) like wad mu tou say (nu qiang zhe )

I ask her how to cure stubborness / rebelliousness and she said every one is to a certain extend.
It got to be our own decision. No one can change us except ourselves, not ur friends not even God himself. Cos he wun touch ur will. when i heard tat i was like... hmm.. tats not realli an answer but yah perhaps like wad I told mu tou. willingness.

I guess it has to do with servanthood.- humility and willingness.
Anyway, enuff of tat.
I been trying to decode wad mu tou meant n i would say the answer usually somehow will come within myself. sometimes strangely even without me thinking it jus comes. by inspiration i guess.

Now i noe why mu tou wanna walk away. as in i stand in his shoes. knowing wad kind of person I am, knowing what kind of person is he oso. and what his ah say b4. He dun wanan hurt me.

WHy, he said i was too nice. but why? he said i was a pretty gal? but why? simple. He gave me one chance but its gone. n noe he say no feel. ok see. tat time he is willing and wanted n wants to put in the effort to try den got fruits but now perhaps he tasted n he dun like it.

Perhaps I am not his cup of tea. and perhaps. he noes tat in order to make me happy as in real happiness is to love me back n he noes he cant so he chose nt to hurt me n leave. like wad his ah ma say. And mu tou said i was too complicated for him. and maybe i am too gan chiong spider for him. sigh.

TOday during service. I was veri burden. with wad mu tou told me. It came to me during service. I cried out to GOd to help mu tou. I dunno why, its in me. I seem to be able to feel mu tou ( the messiness) I dunno it came to me in a vision. the struggles / hurts / etc. ( i cant put it into words). haiz.

A vision came for myself today, prophesy and discernment. young man shall see visions and old man shall dream dreams.

ANyway i think my blog damn long. ok everyone is asking me out but i leave no room for anyone. mm.. n mu tou is not back from ah ma hse.

tml morning gotta wake up early togo for prayer meeting b4 work. I am making this effort because i want to see a miracle. for myself n mu tou n oso for mu tou pa n ma.

Use me. Lord.

Ciao.
Mu tou sa.