A big mu tou!!

Its been ages I last blogged.

I guess it is the best way of penning my thoughts and feelings down.
I have concluded my brains (mental), my heart (emotional) and my body (physical) they
are malfunctioning now. I'm gone.

Recently, something happened. And it causes 2 hearts to be broken.
Mu tou young and mu tou sa. and I miss my mu tou.

Ask me why I called him mu tou. seriously, i dunno but maybe because he is veri stubborn.
But why am i called mu tou. tat i not sure but some how I seem to be the biggest MU tou here.

I screwed the relationship between us. Soemthing that I wanted so badly, and now its gone. Liken a miscarriage. but well. No more.

I am lost. I did not noe wad to do. I never even turn on my radio to class 95 because mu tou told me that brings sad memories.

For the longest time i am trying to understand mu tou but soemtimes i feel the more i try to understand him, the more i dun understand him. Am i thinking too much of his complexity or is he just a close book.

To me, he is smart. But i know maybe he din think too well of himself. He likes to be in a positive environment now (MLM) perhaps previously, he was positioned in a negative environment. To a certain extend, he was not doing academically well, and yah pple compare, pple were mean.

The things i said, perhaps wake mu tou up, perhaps scared him off, perhaps I have hurt him.
I remember he said this abt me. My strength is oso my weakness.. Maybe, he is " stressed" with me. And i guess my truthfulness have hurt him. He has tried his best but wad did i do? not being veri appreciative.. so wad an idiot right? me?

Today, i was so upset. The things mu tou said n done keeps ringing in my head. I am so depressed. I cant eat. what goes in wants to come out. Totally dun feel like eating.
I feel so morbit n zombie. What i do, and do my head onli rings this " mu tou young"

When i sleep, doing work, bathing, in fact every moment of my life is him. WHY??
He is so important to me. :( but its not i dun want to try but he dun wanna let me try. I noe tat if
i were to do anything tat would even causes harm to the friendship. Its so miserable.
Seriously, I dun want to be career -minded kind of person. I am so tired. WHo noes that i want to be weak? Thats why i dun like mu tou ask me to be leader. cos i look up to him as one.

I miss his voice, i miss his laughter, i even miss him smoking.. sigh.. I miss him being cute. I miss his hug, i miss him even he argues with me, i miss him resting his arm on my shoulder. I JUST MISS HIM. i over look the part tat i was hurting his ego to a certain extend. I overlook the part when i hurt him with my words which i tot i was tactful but it wasnt. so now i noe why even mu tou says fault lies with both but no pt crying over spilled milk. He gave me the chance but I lost it.
I screwed it up myself, without me realising it.

Now i gt to let him go, cos i said, I want the best for him. and i want him to succeed. I want him to be confident of himself, I want him to rise up to be a leader. It so painful. but i dun have a choice.

Whenever I see the neo print my hurt breaks. argh.. i think i am sprialling down to depression. I guess i wun want to be such a strong carreer-minded person. at least not for now. super tiring. Mu tou says he wants to walk far away from me so i could recover. perhaps thats one of the reason, i guess i hurt him alot too. tats why he dun want to be hurt alr.

I miss mu tou voice and telling me he is cute. I miss tat. and there is soemthing i wanted to give him. IF even i got a chance, I will. If not, it will be always in my heart.

giraffe, kungfu panda, letter, club, 50 cent lucky charm, notebook (the most precious) together with the neo prints, sitting down waiting for train, talking over the phone, studying together. miss clarity cafe feeding him with lotsa food, waiting at the bus stop for bus 12. specially for you amos cookies, starfish and dolphin hugs and kisses, and many more.

so much more to say but i guess i will just end it here.
If fate allows, i still want my mu tou. - hopefully mu tou will be soft this time.

ciao